One Stupid Sentence

“Are you really going to eat all of those?”
– Stupid Boy

The sentence that started it all. I’m not blaming anything on the boy that said those words to me. We were 13-years-old. Everything that I went through I would have gone through one way or another.

It was bosco-sticks for lunch. You know those absolutely mouth watering breadsticks with mozzarella cheese inside. I forgot breakfast that morning so I thought I would get two orders, aka four bosco-sticks. I mean thats not an unimaginable amount of food. I sat down and this boy looked at me and says, quite judgingly I might add, “are you really going to eat all of those?” I looked at him, stunned that those words just came out of his mouth. Here I am, 90-something pounds at age 14. I played sports year round, soccer my personal favorite. I didn’t say a word. I just looked at my tray of food and ignored him. I was hungry, so of course I was going to eat all my food. All four of those mouth watering tosco-sticks and heaping pile of good ol’ cafeteria green beans.

After I got home from school that day is when my story really begins…

Nobody forgets their first time. No not THAT first time. The first time you bring yourself to your knees and put your fingers to the back of your throat. The first time you’re throwing up because you’re making yourself, not because you have the flu.

There I was, age 14, just got home from school and finding my mind repeating those words. “Are you really going to eat all of those?” I pulled off my sweatshirt and looked my body up and down in the mirror. I had never examined my body the way I did that afternoon. Looking at the smallest details, from my pinkie finger to my pinkie toe.

Then a thought occurred to me. ‘Maybe it couldn’t hurt to lose weight.’ (Little did I know, yes it could hurt very much). I went to the bathroom and kneeled down, staring at my reflection in the toilet water. It’s so strange because it almost takes a certain “strength” to make yourself to throw up. There I was, pushing my fingers to the back of my throat until I was met with the mixed remains of four tosco-sticks and green beans.

No, it was not a pleasant experience. It was not clean and I felt like I needed to brush my teeth about ten times. But something happened, I felt oddly satisfied. Like I could maybe get used to this.

That single thought was the beginning of my journey.

Let’s Start at the Very Beginning

One Stupid Sentence

The First Time